dani

You are a million things that I never knew I wanted.

Dear Drivers of Portland, OR,

When I am walking my bike, I am a pedestrian, please don't drive by me really fast when I'm trying to cross the street because it's scary and I would prefer not to die. And I know that I look like an annoying cyclist but all I want to do is wheel my weirdly squeaky-braked bike across safely to other side of the street without waiting a year. I know it was Friday afternoon and you all wanted to go home, but I also wanted to get to the post office and go have lunch, damnit.

I'm also sorry that I suck and am super scared of you all when I cross 21st and 23rd. You are scary and go fast. But also you are mostly really nice and stop for me and respect me like a sharer of the road.

me

P.S. Thanks for not stealing my bike when I left it only U locked to a pole. Peace.

I feel these words inside me begging to be let out and I can't. I don't know what they are and I don't think I want to.

I can sense them escaping through my eyes and through my skin and I'm so scared they are going to leave me and I'm not going to be able to get them back.

My morals are coming back and all I feel are brown eyes and soft skin and hip bones boring into my mind. They're begging those words to come out and they're forming a secret pact without me.

doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear?
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
but we've been drinking
and it doesn't get me anywhere

I am too often contrary to be contrary,

and am far too often saying everything while saying nothing. And saying nothing while saying everything.

G0 dani G0: back to cookies
G0 dani G0: i like ginger cookies
G0 dani G0: they are the nicest kind of cookie
G0 dani G0: i think
G0 dani G0: all the other kinds are good
G0 dani G0: but there is something special about a ginger cookie
G0 dani G0: with milk too
G0 dani G0: yummy

I kind of want you.

You get my stomach all fluttery when I am being avoidant and vague and ridiculous and you say my name all seriously like and reassure me in a way that just makes me shiver. God.

But at the same time I'm a little confused. Because there are so many ways that I want things to be and my feelings are confusing and a little scary because I don't want to mess anything up. I want things to go the way they were going to. I don't want to not know how you feel except that I feel like you are giving me all these signals, and I am completely missing them.

I think the point is that I am maybe not ready for this and that is scary and I just know that I really want to kiss you and make you breakfast and bake you things and go on walks with you and watch the planes take off and land and just sit and maybe be able to kiss you whenever I please.

And I'm scared to write this because I am so scared of everything. I'm scared that I'm lying and I don't feel this way, I'm scared that I'm going to change my mind. I'm scared that you're going to change yours. I don't know when I got so scared, but now I am and please forgive me. Please forgive me when I inevitably fuck up because I am so unsure of everything right now. And please forgive me when I inevitably yet unintentionally hurt you because some days I do not seem capable of much else.